>> WRITING

You Don't Look Like a Sandwich
Issue 31

Example:

Did you hear about the actor who stabbed her co-star? I think her name was Reese someone...

Witherspoon?

No, she used a knife.

My friend Claire told me about this scrumptious piece of genius and my tiny little mind greeted it with a standing ovation.

But I haven't always been this way. There was a time when I was just as mortified as the next kid at our dad's naff little asides, which were usually accompanied by a look that said, "You can use that".

I actually remember my first experience with a dad joke. I was young and naïve and had spent my formative years building a trust in my parents' ability to love, guide and protect me. Then dad came along and broke that trust with three simple words - pull my finger.

Suddenly the floodgates were open, so to speak. From that moment on I was subjected to the cheesiest lines imaginable. If I told him I felt like a sandwich, he'd shoot back with "you don't look one". Ask him the football score and he will tell you, "with one more point each, they'd be even". He was a ninja.

I thought it was just my dad until one day, while at a friend's house, he asked his dad what he would look for in a partner if he were a girl. His dad said, "boobs" and then giggled for about 10 minutes. We groaned and shook our heads. He gave himself a high five and then giggled for a further 5 minutes.

But why is it always dads? Surely there are mums out there who, from time to time, feel the need to exclaim, "Look at that cemetery kids, people are dying to get in".

Or maybe they just have the foresight to realise that in the battle of bad joke versus dignity, only one can survive. I think it comes down to this. Dads, by nature, are inherently funny creatures who resent the idea of growing up. And that's why I'm a convert.

My dad used to have a pair of pants set-aside specifically for when he went to all-you-can-eat buffets, which he called his "Sizzler pants". Suspiciously, dad's "Sizzler pants" looked remarkably like pyjamas. Embarrassment aside, I admire his defiance.

But why the bad jokes? Are dads simply trying to appear hip and witty? Is it all just a desperate attempt to gain approval from their fickle kids? If you ask me, the answer is no. Quite simply, dads use these jokes as a legal form of torture.

They see our reactions and thrive. The more pain we show, the more they throw at us. Their motto is "show no mercy". The dad joke is a slightly more sophisticated variation of the infamous sibling torture tool where you grab your brother/sister's flimsy hands and proceed to use them as weapons against themselves, all the while calmly saying "stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself".

And the best thing is, it doesn't go away with age. I recently went home to visit my parents in Sydney and when mum asked dad to put the kettle on, he gave me a wry smile and said, "OK. But I don?t think it will fit". Cue unanimous groaning.

Each and every time I hear something this bad (good), I instantly imagine the hours of fun I could have as a shameless, brazen pun factory of a dad, torturing my child into submission using nothing but a bad joke and a look that says, "you can use that".